Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful,
beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful
And he's carrying a very beautiful rose in his beak, and
also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his
And also, you're drunk.
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled
urination should automatically disqualify you.
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they
must have sensed it.
Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped
each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd
call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a
store for tramps, which is not the impression we are
trying to convey with our store.
On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from
browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's
gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you
could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop
and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly,
because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes
I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me
I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me,"
I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I ?"
"Well," said Coach, "you never were really
ON the team.
You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and
towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet.
You show up at practice and then either steal the ball
and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to
tackle people at inappropriate times."
It was all true what he was saying.
And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head
of this Coach.
He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he
can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each
year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like
We grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many
years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.
Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing
is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand.
Come on, Martha. Grow up.
Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit
that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of
First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched
If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't
like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else,
just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it
all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball.
Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the
boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the
Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the
roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a
filthy Texaco latrine.
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a
very large shrimp.
That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at
night, you could eat him.
How about it, science ?
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick
"That was fun," I said.
"You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb
"No," I said. "I think we should be
heading back now."
"We have time," Nick insisted.
I said we didn't, and Nick said we did.
We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes,
then finally decided to head back.
I didn't say it was an interesting story.
Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk,
because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one.
To me, truth is not some vauge, foggy notion.
Truth is real.
And, at the same time, unreal.
Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some
things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing'.
This is truth, to me.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to
where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave
men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be
blotted out from the sky."
Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably
try to kill you or something, but then you could explain
about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone
would get a good laugh.
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the
sidewalk in front of our house.
And I thought, I too am like that snail.
I build a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you
But my shell isn't made out of a hard protective
Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in
your underwear, don't stop and think of what other words
have 'under' in them, because that's probably the first
sign of jungle madness.
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming,
I just want to throw back my head and gargle.
Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me,
because I am beautiful.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion.
For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon
and you fear that your partner has been turned into
The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you
just slam the door behind him and blast off.
He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula,
but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make
dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head.
That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they
wouldn't eat as much.
I bet for an Indian, shooting a old fat pioneer woman
in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into
the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a
brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it
damages the part of the brain the makes you want to study
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman
caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was
a whole person.
Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little
And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it
would be too small.
But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny
Combat little toy guy-- something like that.
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of
having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then
the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw
chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man,
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably
be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and
how we take so much of it for granted.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.
But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces,
and this is what annoys me.
If I live in the Wild West days, instead of carrying
a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron.
That was if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like,
"Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and
started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I
could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron.
The soldering iron of justice."
Then everyone would get real quiet and ashamed, because
they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I
could probably hit them up for a free drink.
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad.
And then I think, "Aw, who cares ?"
And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper ?"
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you
use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also
dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that
and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like
a scared rabbit.
Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go
fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up
where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus
plant onto you buttocks and start yowling and running
Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy
would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."
What is it that makes a compete stranger dive into an
icy river to save a solid gold baby ?
Maybe we'll never know.
Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is
is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE
DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING ? !!!
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my
lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some
small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest
works of genius ever created by Man.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick
Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the
"Hear that ?" you say. "That's dynamite,
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better
I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that
rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a
lot of free games.
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see
more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination
of our solar system.
It is a shame when families are torn apart by
something as simple as wild dogs.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke."
But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine,
which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look
at the word itself : "Mankind."
Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank"
What do these words mean ?
It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they
choose a king, I hope they don't just go by size, because
I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even
bigger man to laugh at that man.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way.
We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a
complimentary bumper sticker that read, "I helped
I bet the main reason the police keep people away
from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in
and lying down in some crash stuff, then, when somebody
comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What
was THAT ? !!!"
I bet the one legend that keeps recurring throughout
history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no
music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
To me, clowns aren't funny.
In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this
started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to
the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about
cutting them down ?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good
You know what would make a good story ?
Something about a clown who makes people happy, but
inside he's real sad.
Also, he has severe diarrhea.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit
those really high notes, I bet you can really see it in
The memories of my family outings are still a source
of strength to me.
I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what
kind it was - and drive and drive.
I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some
The smell of something was strong in the air as we played
whatever sport we played.
I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad."
We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went
I guess some things never leave you.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute
thing to tell him is "God is crying."
And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is "probably because of something you did."
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go
But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come
back with a whore he picked up in town.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet
sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh.
But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on
Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
I think people tend to forget that trees are living
They're sort of like dogs.
Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
Whether they find life there or not, I think Jupiter
should be considered an enemy planet.
The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy
wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow
up to be a giant monster fireman.
I think the monkeys in the zoo should have to wear
sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
Sometimes, life seems like a dream, especially when I
look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along
in a way you've never known before.
But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely
It's not love.
I'm thinking of a monorail.
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's
an invisible world that we can't even see.
I'm speaking, of course, of the World of Invisible Scary
Martha was watching the football Game with me when
she said "You know most of these sports are based on
the idea of one group protecting it's territory from
invasion from another group."
"Yeah" I said, trying not to laugh.
Girls are funny.
Any man in the Right situation is capable of Murder.
But not any man, is capable of being a good Camper.
So murder and Camping is not as similar as you might
Anybody with an Identity problem had better wise up
and get with the program !!!
The Prince decided he would learn Anger.
So he gathered his subjects together outside his balcony.
"Who would teach me anger ?" he yelled.
"F*ck you" someone yelled.
"Okay, how about algebra ?" said the prince.
I Think There should be something in Science called"
The Reindeer Effect".
I don't know what it would be, but I think it would be
good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have
here is a terrifying example of The Reindeer Effect."
I just thought of something ...
What if the cure for cancer was something really
ridiculous and Can't be discovered in hospital research.
Like what if the cure for cancer is :
___"Put a croissant on a tractor."
or: "Rub your head with grass"
or: "Put your nose hairs in a paper bag."
You can make up some yourself, who knows, they might be
the cure for cancer.
Sometimes I wish that I was Jesus, but then I realize
that if I were, I'd be dead.
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and
you know why ?
It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at
me, let alone fire it.
And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me
I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly
run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's
a good thing to do ...
Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say,
"Well, technically that's illegal."
It might fit in with what somebody just said.
And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.