Deep Thoughts
Jack Handey

If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're gone.

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger.

He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure.

I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know."

He stared telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long."

But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long."

But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all."

I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset ?

And he's carrying a very beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet.

And also, you're drunk.

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it.

Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store.

On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside.

I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I ?"

"Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team.

You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet.

You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times."

It was all true what he was saying.

And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach.

He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that ...

We grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.

Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand.

Come on, Martha. Grow up.

Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy.

First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball.

Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground.

Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.

I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp.

That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him.

How about it, science ?

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting.

"That was fun," I said.

"You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher."

"No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now."

"We have time," Nick insisted.

I said we didn't, and Nick said we did.

We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back.

I didn't say it was an interesting story.

Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one.

To me, truth is not some vauge, foggy notion.

Truth is real.

And, at the same time, unreal.

Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing'.

This is truth, to me.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky."

Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house.

And I thought, I too am like that snail.

I build a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will.

But my shell isn't made out of a hard protective substance.

Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.

If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and think of what other words have 'under' in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle.

Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion.

For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula.

The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off.

He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head.

That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat as much.

I bet for an Indian, shooting a old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.

I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain the makes you want to study the brain.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person.

Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark.

And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small.

But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy-- something like that.

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."

Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.

But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

If I live in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron.

That was if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice."

Then everyone would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad.

And then I think, "Aw, who cares ?"

And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper ?"

If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit.

Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto you buttocks and start yowling and running around.

Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."

What is it that makes a compete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby ?

Maybe we'll never know.

Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING ? !!!

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.

Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone.

"Hear that ?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment" ?

I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

It is a shame when families are torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke."

But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself : "Mankind."

Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".

What do these words mean ?

It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, I hope they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way.

We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that read, "I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in some crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT ? !!!"

I bet the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

To me, clowns aren't funny.

In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down ?

We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

You know what would make a good story ?

Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad.

Also, he has severe diarrhea.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me.

I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive.

I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there.

The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played.

I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad."

We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home.

I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying."

And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did."

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing.

But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with a whore he picked up in town.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh.

But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.

Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures.

They're sort of like dogs.

Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.

Whether they find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.

I think the monkeys in the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.

Sometimes, life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before.

But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter.


It's not love.

I'm thinking of a monorail.

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world that we can't even see.

I'm speaking, of course, of the World of Invisible Scary Skeletons.


Martha was watching the football Game with me when she said "You know most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting it's territory from invasion from another group."

"Yeah" I said, trying not to laugh.

Girls are funny.

Any man in the Right situation is capable of Murder.

But not any man, is capable of being a good Camper.

So murder and Camping is not as similar as you might think.

Anybody with an Identity problem had better wise up and get with the program !!!

The Prince decided he would learn Anger.

So he gathered his subjects together outside his balcony.

"Who would teach me anger ?" he yelled.

"F*ck you" someone yelled.

"Okay, how about algebra ?" said the prince.

I Think There should be something in Science called" The Reindeer Effect".

I don't know what it would be, but I think it would be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of The Reindeer Effect."

I just thought of something ...

What if the cure for cancer was something really ridiculous and Can't be discovered in hospital research.

Like what if the cure for cancer is :

___"Put a croissant on a tractor."
or: "Rub your head with grass"
or: "Put your nose hairs in a paper bag."

You can make up some yourself, who knows, they might be the cure for cancer.

Sometimes I wish that I was Jesus, but then I realize that if I were, I'd be dead.

I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why ?

It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it.

And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me ?

I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.

If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do ...

Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well, technically that's illegal."

It might fit in with what somebody just said.

And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.

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